Thoughts on Divorce being Emotional Abuse of Children
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"MahiMahi" auoutk...@yahoo.com
While sitting at my desk the other day.......I began to think about the effects on children in regard to divorce and how it relates to the emotional abuse of children.
Here are some thoughts.
- Child loses the basic security of 'the' family home by divorce.
(Child's emotions are adversely affected)
- Child now must bounce back and forth between the two different homes.
(Child's emotions are adversely affected)
- Child must now adjust to two differing styles of parenting (as if they didn't have enough to deal with just growing up normally). (Child's emotions are adversely affected)
- Child feels that his/her mother could abandon him/her if the child thought that he/she wanted to stay with his/her father or vice versa.
(Child's emotions are adversely effected)
- Child feels that his/her mother or father could abandon him/her if the child angers one or the other (if father/mother abandoned the other parent then.......what about me?). (Child's emotions are adversely effected)
- If child visits his/her mother/father, that will hurt the father/mother, and then mother/father could leave child too. (Child's emotions are adversely effected)
- The child feels like he/she is emotionally abused, filled with fear of refusal or abandonment, showing symptomatic behavior as trying to demonstrate its loyalty to both parents for having their love. (Child's emotions are adversely effected) NOTE: The above levels to which the child's emotions are effected are not truly known, but I would venture to guess that 'devastated' or 'destroyed' is a good ***essment.
Sorry for the commercial site's link, but it captured my beliefs about divorce's long term effects on children. A quote from http://www.divorcesource.com/CA/ARTICLES/starky.html states "Unlike the adult experience, the child's suffering does not reach its peak at the breakup and then level off, on the contrary. Divorce is a cumulative experience for the child. Its impact increases over time..The effect of the parents' divorce is played and replayed throughout the first three decades of the children's lives." I know that parents need to put the child's needs above everything else in their lives. A good parent would re***ure the child that the above things would never happen and demonstrate it by their actions post-divorce.
What disturbs me is when a "parent" (using the term loosely for this individual) wants out of a marriage for selfish reasons and there are children involved This so-called "parent" just wants out because they don't want to forgive the other spouse this time or is tired of marriage or can't deal with simple occasional conflict or any other immature self-absorbed reason.
This is, IMHO, emotional abuse of your child or children.
To sum up my thought........Divorce for selfish reasons is emotional abuse of children.
Yes, I have read all of the other feel good stuff about the flip-side liberal, societal riddled garbage that psychobabblers spew and I don't buy.
Any thoughts from the group.
MahiMahi
i ...@icky.spam.com (ml)
I agree. OTOH, sometimes the divorce isn't for selfish reasons. A very bad marriage can likely do the kids more emotional harm than ending it would do. :-(
"MahiMahi" auoutk...@yahoo.com
Definitely there are some marriages that are damaging to children and I wholly advocate those to take measures to protect the children. This can be done without divorce. Both need to step back and look at what they are doing to their children, get help and work out the problems (separate until both can get fixed). I am of the camp that says both parents should grow up and learn the basics of understanding, comp***ion, communication, empathy, respect, trust and forgiveness. Practice those every second of every day so that healing of hurts can happen (a Christian path) and they should reconcile for the health and well-being of their family. That sends the best message to the child.
OK I know the sky is rosey in my world. Wishful thinking for a society of self-seeking, morally corrupt, self-centered, stubborn boneheads.......OH did that come out......that was my outloud typing.
If both can do the Christian path and still one of them decides they want out, that would send a very unfortunate message to the child. It proves to everyone (especially the child) that the 'parent' truly is selfish, moralless and faithless; and the children and a whole family is not at the top of their priority list (thier selfish desires are). It solidifies the belief that humans are totally sinful creatures.
I read somewhere that the best thing a parent can do for their child is to love the other parent and I believe that with all my heart.
Our society has become so corrupt in its thinking (thank you 1960's and 70's). We are a bent nation.
I am currently in the throws of the situation of the original post for this topic. I still love my spouse unconditionally, yet I have let her go and have given in to her demands for divorce. I am one of those standers for my marriage (I know everyone thinks I'm "one of those nuts"). I am a Christian who loves Jesus Christ. I have faith in his works and will never give up on my family or marriage; I know he won't either. I believe in the vows I took before all who witnessed, especially God.
Please pray for my family.
Thank you MahiMahi ...
i ...@icky.spam.com (ml)
Exactly. And key words in this are "both"... If only one person is willing to work on it, the other can't carry the whole thing... Wedding vows can't really work when they're only going one way. This was kind of my situation. My ex appeared uninterested in our marriage. It wasn't a matter of him be oblivious to problems, either. We slept separately for 10 years. I begged him to come to counseling and he refused and said to go by myself. I invited him to come to church with me and he said he didn't need my "god thing". I had our marriage in the prayer requests, met with clergy and also family counselors outside the church. He belittled me and made me out to be petty and crazy for wanting to "work on the relationship".. I asked him to go on "dates" with me and he refused (we never went out together). I asked him to sit with me in the evening and he refused. I brought up the subject of intimacy and he told me that if i wanted it i could wake him up and do it (in a "get it over with" sort of tone, rolling his eyes in contempt). I kept myself in shape (he hated fat women) and kept an immaculate house, stayed home and did the child-rearing (which he referred to as "women's work"). I simply wanted the husband that i married, the vows we took to cherish one another, that whole thing. Not someone who ignored me, lived a separate life from me most of the time, belittled me and made fun of my feelings.. Not someone who undermined my discipline of the kids and made fun of me in front of them, encouraging them to do so like it was a game. I wanted my sons to have proper role-models of parents, not two people who couldn't seem to stand being in the same room together. I finally started trying to discuss with him the possibility of our splitting up, and he got angry and wouldn't discuss it. He never struck me or physically abused me, and i am thankful for that.
I figured that after a decade of this and i still couldn't get him to show any interest in the marriage, it was time to make a change. I could see that the kids were being affected by it. My oldest was beginning to show violent tendencies towards me. I couldn't cover for their father any more or lie to them that everything was fine when it wasn't. They saw through it. So after exhausting every avenue that i could think of, i filed for divorce. It wasn't what i wanted for my kids, but neither was what we had before.
I believe that if i hadn't been TRYING to make things work for as long as i did, i would always wonder if i moved too soon. But there's no doubt in my mind. Sometimes i even think maybe i should have done it sooner so the kids wouldn't have had to be exposed to it for so long. But then (and here's my selfish part) i would have missed out on those years of being with my children fulltime. Those years were the most precious years of my life. Despite the longing for a companion to share them with. I was "my kids' mom", and that role filled my life.
"Joy" fairly_happy_doesn't_need_any_more_s...@withoutspamyahoo.com
Me too. And because of that I stayed in a bad marriage years and years longer than I should have, which harmed everybody involved - including the children. I regret deeply that I didn't divorce sooner.
Joy
"MahiMahi" auoutk...@yahoo.com
Look.....I'm not saying that I am hanging on. I recognized early on that it would make things worse for everyone. She is free to leave and destroy our family with her fogged up, worldly corrupted mind. I am making her do all the work for the divorce. I won't pay for a dime of it. I don't pay for sin.....it just comes naturally for humans.
She claims to be a Christian and was adamant throughout our marriage about keeping our daughter involved in CCD cl***es at our Catholic Church. Yet she is not even able to set an example for our daughter to teach her about what it takes in a marriage to keep it together as her Catholic faith instructs.
I chose to take the path I am on and have reserved myself to the fact she will do as she pleases (kind of the theme to our marriage [only mom knows whats best for everyone.....if mom ain't happy, nobodys happy......she is a total control freak]). I accept legal divorce (which is via the state gov.
money machine....and of no value to me or God anyway). As far as our marriage is concerned we will always be married in God's eyes and that's fine with me. I accept the separation without any kicking or screaming. I just graciously accept whatever she throws at me. No big deal. It's called perseverance, integrity and strong character and it only comes with the grace of God.
It is unfortunate that pride (one of the 7 deadly sins) is usually the culprit behind why spouses do this divorce thing under circumstances such as ours.
I am not one of those that will hang on, pine and whine.....although this whole thread sounds as though I am....I really am not, I am just pointing out some facts about what I have observed and decided to write them out somewhere. Sort of therapudic. : ) Standing for your marriage doesn't mean putting your life on hold 'til whenever. It is trusting in God to put together, in his time, what humans love to destroy (families). I am a very patient individual and have many interests to keep me occupied during the 10....20.....40 years it may take.
I'll never remarry someone else. Don't really care to. I can stay busy.
Maybe I'll die alone.....no big deal, he is always with me and that is just enough.
I am secure in myself and my relationship with my Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ. It is a love and grace that has sustained me over the years.....escpecially through these times. I am really not a 'Bible Thumper', I just feel very strong in my convictions. Whatever happens......happens. He will see me through.
I am constantly reminding our daughter about God's love for her, as well as her mother's and mine and I am diligently keeping her sheilded from my wife's garbage views on things. I do explain to her that the world is broken and humans are sinful, but that doesn't mean she has to accept awful behaviour from those who perpetrate it. She is protected.
Maybe there is someone out that this thread may inspire. Don't know....but one can only have faith and hope.
I am very cordial to my wife and I am doing very well at keeping my mouth shut and moving along. I pray for her every day and night (and in between too). Our daughter prays for her constantly too. She understands the principles I am teaching her. She sure doesn't get it from her mother. OK OK enough. my fingers hurt....and my brain.
Thanks for reading, MahiMahi "Joy" <fairly_happy_doesn't_need_any_more_s...@withoutspamyahoo.com> wrote in message ...
"Joy" fairly_happy_doesn't_need_any_more_s...@withoutspamyahoo.com
Well, that part does sound like holding on. Even God permits divorce when one party leaves. Just be careful not to try to "out-righteous" God.
Bryan Oakley br...@bitmover.com
I suspect many children don't have that basic security to begin with so I'm not convinced this blanket statement is valid.
One could also look at it as strengthening the child's emotions. I'm sure in many cases it is a detriment, but it doesn't necessarily have to be. I work hard at making the two homes work and I see no evidence of my kids' emotions being adversely affected. If anything, their emotions have been strenghtened by the fact they've learned that they can overcome what seems like monumental challenges.
This doesn't sound right. My parenting style hasn't changed (that I am aware...), and I don't think their mom's has either. Sure, some things have changed because it's tough being a single parent. I don't think my kids have been emotionally abused by any radically different parenting styles.
I will admit that they don't have me around when their mom is yelling at them so they have to deal with it themselves, but she has always yelled at them and likely always will so in that respect nothing has changed :-( I could be wrong, but I don't believe my children feel that way.
Again, I don't believe my children feel this way.
Again...
And again...
These are all good theories, and may apply in some situations, but I don't think any of them are absolute truths. I don't like being labelled as someone who is emotionally abusing my children simply because I am divorced.
Divorce is tough on kids, no doubt about it. But abuse? I don't think so. In this life we all face rough times. Some through the death of a parent (my case, when I was 11), some through divorce (my kids), some through personal tragedy (a cousin of mine who was paralyzed as a young adult), etc. That's life. It's not emotional abuse.
Maybe I just have my head stuck in the sand (or somewhere else I'm sure at least one person might think...) but I don't believe divorce has to be a life-destroying event for children. It sucks, but many things suck more. It's life. As parents we have the power to use such life events as opportunities to help our kids learn and grow if we simply make that choice.
In this point I might agree. Divorce, in an of itself, is not emotional abuse. Many children (and adults) can have better lives post-divorce than before. However, a parent who chooses divorce out of selfish desires is certainly, in many cases, inflicting harm upon a child. Not irreparable harm, but harm nonetheless.
> To sum up my thought........Divorce for selfish reasons is emotional abuse Perhaps, yes. You should have put that disclaimer right up front in your post.
"MahiMahi" auoutk...@yahoo.com
Points are noted Bryan!
I understand your position.
I am definitely talking about the selfish position divorcer (usually these involve low-conflict marriages). I am in no way attempting to incite riot over this. These are just thoughts that race through my mind occasionally on the subject.
I utterly agree that helping your child through this horrible time in their life is the only way to deal with it. Please note, even with all of the efforts to help them through, there are long term effects for children to the action of divorce for low-conflict marriages. I personally refuse to roll the dice with my child's mental and emotional well being as so many do who divorce for selfish reasons.
Here is a quote I found on the subject; "Divorces in these low-conflict marriages are very damaging to children, says sociologist Paul Amato of Penn State University, because the surprised children have not been aware of the discord." Here is another: "Researchers from Johns Hopkins University and the University of Chicago found that the adult children of divorced parents experience mental health problems significantly more often than do the adult children of intact families." Andrew J. Cherlin, P. Lindsay Chase-Lansdale, and Christine McRae, "Effects of Parental Divorce on Mental Health Throughout the Life Course," American Sociological Review, Vol. 63 (April 1998), pp. 245-246.
And another: "Up to 66% of the women between 19-23 that were interviewed during 10 years post-divorce had a resurgence of anxiety, fear, guilt, and anger that they had suppressed for many years. These feelings tended to resurface when the adolescent and young adult women were attempting to make major life decisions (such as marriage)." ref. Wallerstein, JS. Corbin SB.
The Child and the Vicissitudes of Divorce And another: "The most frequent delayed onset negative consequences center around anxieties and fear of the child that s/he will repeat the failed marital or love relationship that the child observed during the divorce." Wallerstein, JS. Children After Divorce: Wounds That Don't Heal. The Psychiatric Times: Medicine and Behavior. 8: 8-11, 1989 And.....: "The consequences of divorce impact almost all aspects of a child 's life, including the parent-child relationship, emotions and behavior, psychological development, and coping skills." Sarah Eleoff, Pennsylvania State University College of Medicine, Nov. 2003, An Exploration of the Ramifications of Divorce on Children and Adolescents What kills me about this bent society is that it wants to worry more about damage control..."after the fact".... and not do the right things before to reduce the need for damage control.
That is the insurance company's mentality; "Provide them ***istance for when things go wrong. Why bother with prevention anyway, that's just a waste of time, resources and money?" Pride is the number one killer of these marriages. What are these so-called 'parents' teaching their children by acting on their selfish pride?
-Remain too proud to admit when you are wrong, especially to your spouse
-Remain too proud to act with humility, especially to your spouse
-Remain too proud to forgive when others hurt you, especially to your spouse
-Remain too proud and hold grudges for weeks, if not years or for life, especially to your spouse
-Remain too proud to say you are sorry, especially to your spouse
-Remain too proud to ever say 'Thank You' to anyone, especially your spouse
-Hold onto your pride and don't let anyone teach you anything because you definitely know everything, your spouse could never teach you anything of value.
This is not a very loving individual I am painting a picture of.
How can this person say that they are a good parent? I have a real problem with hypocrisy in parenting.
Just more thoughts.
MahiMahi ...
"Megsy" lil...@bigpond.net.au
So did the holier than thou attitude develop after she said it was over? I wonder what her story is?
"MahiMahi" auoutk...@yahoo.com
I guess you could say I was a closet Christian and didn't live it daily or sometimes even weekly or monthly during our marriage. By no means am I a saint. I am stuck on this crazy rock like all the rest. I believed all that I write here prior to this situation and still do, but I didn't force it down anyone's throat. Guess I am doing that now. But I won't be silent about what I believe anymore. I really don't care if it ticks her off that I live it second by second now.
I grew up in a Christian home and had it shoved down my throat from infancy through adolecence. I had a very bad experience as a pre-teen within the church my parents took us to and quit going. Let's just say the Catholics don't corner the market on corruption in the church rank and file.
My wife was always nagging me about being more involved in church, even though she knew of my past grievances. I was active enough to take an interest in making sure my daughter attended CCD cl***es. I would speak to her on rare occ***ions about letting her decide which denomination she wanted to follow and I did want her to become very familiar with the bible and it's teachings (the relationship with Christ comes with studying the scriptures). Prior to our marriage I agreed and signed a document that made sure she would be brought up in the Catholic faith (my wife is Catholic). I didn't have a problem with that.
Even though I wasn't following what my faith taught, I still knew I was not at my peak performance in practicing my faith and was always afraid to appear like I was doing what my parents did to us as children. I look back now and am very glad they did what they did for us. A relationship with Christ provides more love and comfort than I have ever known. It has calmed me to the point of almost not caring what she does. I said 'almost.' I do care what it does to our child and our family.
It's sad that she is forcing us to be a 'broken' family. I don't use those psychobabble definitions for 'broken' that try to cover up the ugly truth of the situation. We will be broken.
Most psychobabblers try to put a candy coated spin on bad situations. It makes it easier to justify the act. I have always said that you can justify anything....but that doesn't make it right.
Boy I am long winded. Got lots of cogs spinning upstairs.
MahiMahi ...
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