Parenting teenagers

filipic.3nos ...@osu.edu

Does anyone here know of some good books or other resources that are geared to helping teenagers become more responsible, or help them develop a more grounded sense of self?
SD 17 has recently moved back in with us, and DH and I see some patterns in her behavior that we'd like to help her change. SD seems to take almost any behavior from aquaintances she calls "friends," from changing plans at the last minute, to not calling her when they say they will, to excusing not-so-subtle insults as "they're just joking around." She seems to be very willing to play the victim in these relationships -- not a healthy role for anyone. She seems to us to be so desperate for friends that she'll take anything. It's really got us concerned.
SD also becomes very defensive when her dad corrects her or asks her to do something she knows she should be doing anyway. Polite requests to get the dishes done or to turn off a lamp are met with strong defensive reactions that make it seem like we've just asked her to do the impossible. I know much of this is just teenage behavior, but I'm wondering what the best way to handle it is. I'm toying with replying with a calm, "That's not really an appropriate response," or "Stop acting so defensive and just get it done," or "We just made what seems like a reasonable request. Is there a reason why you're reacting this way?" If anyone has any hints, or knows of some good books or other resources I could tap into, I'd appreciate it so much.
--Martha, whose server won't let me post anonymously any more

Karla ka...@ntcorp.com

While there are days when I feel like the only thing keeping me from selling SD to the gypsies is that there are no gypsies going by at the moment, the books that have been a great help to me have been: I hate you, get out of my life but first drive me and Cheryl to the mall and The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens.
The first one is not so much solving problems but giving parents different approaches and reminding people that sometimes teens don't know why they're fighting with you either. The second one, by SEAN Covey (Steven's son) is definately a game plan for life written for teens. It's not in lame "I'm trying to be hip" style language and it definately addresses things teens face that adults don't. One thing that struck me was when he was describing cliques as being like the Borg collective from Star Trek (you WILL be ***imilated or else). I catch SD reading it when she thinks no one is looking and a couple of her teachers have ***igned it as additional reading or specific pieces of it to reinforce cl*** lessons.
One funny story about 7 Habits, I sometimes help to monitor a teen board on AOL. When I'm in that capacity, I often recommend that book to teens who are in the "all adults are so mean..." mode. One kid saw me recommend it a few times and saw a copy in the damage bin at a local bookstore and picked it up. She sent me an email saying that since she started putting some of the habits into practice, it is amazing how reasonable her mother has become. (Yes, she was serious.) I suspect nothing will ever solve all the problems of teens. They will always be frustrating and sulky and there isn't much you can do but try to keep from pulling out your hair in clumps and pary like anything.
But I hope those help.
--
karla You don't always win your battles, but it's good to know you fought. -
Lauren Bacall http://www.ntcorp.com/nephrotic

janelaw2 ...@aol.com (jane)

I attempt to discuss it with the kids the same way I'd discuss it with my husband. "Where did that come from?" is big around here. As is, "Is this something we should talk about?" And then there's a lot of ignoring of mood swings. Mine and theirs lately. I think it's some bizarre cosmic joke that BD is entering her teens just as I am entering menopause. jane

"Staff http://www.custodywar.com" divo...@livingston.net

The three I think of first are What Do You Stand for?
(A Kid's Guide to Building Character) Barbara A. Lewis ISBN 1-57542-029-5 $19.95 BodyPride (An Action Plan FOR TEENS Seeking Self-Esteem & Building Better Bodies) Cynthia Stamper Graff, Janet Eastman, Mark C. Smith ISBN 1-882180-81X $14.95 Love Yourself, Heal Your Life Workbook Louise L. Hay ISBN 0-937611-69-7 $12.95 Kelly

Beth a...@aol.com

I love the "Cheryl" book. I bought two and gave one to BM, something quite forward of me at the time, but it was after a very helpful talk BM and I had shared around the time SD turned 13 or so. I don't agree with the author in all instances, but he has a nice approach, kind of listening to the teen but also putting down his foot <g>.
My big problem is trying to act interested in all the endless (boring) things SD wants to talk about. I'm very glad she wants to talk about her life, it's not as if I wish she'd keep it all to herself, but I am so tired of smiling & nodding while she goes on and on about the *cutest* thing that so-and-so did and blablablablabla... I guess I just don't find teenagery things so interesting anymore, which is probably a good thing. But it's hard to feign interest--though I do it, and I suppose I must be convincing, since SD keeps TALKING!

"Audra Mellon" aumel...@email.com

SD2 talks SO MUCH that not long ago I remarked to DH that she hardly seems to take a breath! But, as you said, better than silence. And sometimes we have really good conversations, and sometimes I can steer the conversation around to something more interesting than, say, the kind of body glitter they sell at LimitedToo. But if I hear any more about the trials and tribulations of 'NSync or what happened on TRL yesterday, I'm just going to go insane.
audra

Beth a...@aol.com

Um...what's TRL? (Sorry to make you relive it, lol!)

"Audra Mellon" aumel...@email.com

Oh, stop bragging that your SD's too old for this. It's "Total Request Live" on MTV. It's 30 minutes of video snippets and squealing teenagers.
Torture. :-) audra

Beth a...@aol.com

ROFL! So this appeals to preteens or what? Sounds *terrifying*!!! ;-) Actually, we don't get MTV <ducks and runs>!

Caitriona Mac Fhiodhbhuidhe kit...@whitepine.com

One of the reasons I don't want to get satellite when we finally get the financing settled on this place.
--
Kitten = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = I'm a bitch, I'm a lover; I'm a child, I'm a mother I'm a sinner, I'm a saint; I do not feel ashamed I'm your hell, I'm you dream; I'm nothing in between You know you wouldn't want it any other way -
- - Meredith Brooks

"dkjyy" dk...@austin.rr.com

...
I am even luckier! I have MTV and the kids don't ever watch it!
Deanna /ducks and runs for cover

Caitriona Mac Fhiodhbhuidhe kit...@whitepine.com

I remember when MTV first came out and everyone at school was talking about it. *We*, of course, didn't watch it. We only had one channel -
KAIT-TV, ABC, Channel 8, Jonesboro, AR.
--
Kitten = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = I'm a bitch, I'm a lover; I'm a child, I'm a mother I'm a sinner, I'm a saint; I do not feel ashamed I'm your hell, I'm you dream; I'm nothing in between You know you wouldn't want it any other way -
- - Meredith Brooks