Feeling Miserable
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Psyclone Jack psycl...@subdimension.com
for the last month or so, i've just been feeling utterly, utterly miserable in our marriage. i can't even watch any movies or read any books where the characters are in love, because i just start to cry. i try to remember feeling in love with my wife, but i can never remember any time that i ever felt that way.
we got married in march. the primary motivator was that she had gotten pregnant in october, and *needed* to get married. she's from russia, and was brought up traditionally -- she went so far as to say she'd hate me if we didn't get married before we had the child. (this was in counselling before the marriage). i had originally postponed the marriage, because i had a nervous breakdown beforehand. i was suicidal and nearly killed myself.
i feel like it was a huge mistake. i feel like she loves me, but doesn't trust me. i *know* she loves me, and doesn't want to hurt me, which just makes me feel even worse in a way. (yes, i know it could be alot worse by reading some of the posts here, and i am thankful for how well we get along) lately, i've been trying to do things different sexually with her, but i gather that's just another warning sign of a failing marriage. i thought that somehow this would make me feel closer to her, but it hasn't changed anything.
every time i try and talk to her about my feelings of unhappiness, she just cries. she feels like i'm going to go to someone else because she's not good enough, which i have absolutely no intention of doing.
i just don't know what to do. i go to bed every night crying. i feel that deep down i resent her intensely for her indirect pressure into getting married.
i don't even know why i'm posting this. i mean, i live in canada, so getting a divorce (with a child) basically means i'm ****ed for the rest of my life. i don't want to do that, but i don't know what else i can do.
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psycl...@subdimension.com
w ...@what.where (Mary Lou)
Try to be the best father you can to this child. I think it was honorable of you to marry the mother-to-be of your own child, so now follow through and stay with marriage counseling for awhile. And use birth control from now on, or get yourself fixed, so this won't happen again.... This child deserves a loving home...
Kim kchare...@worldnet.att.net
Are you still seeing a counselor? If so, I'd print out this post and give it to him/her. Resentment in a marriage is a terrible thing and telling yourself to stay because of the child is a great and noble thing, but it doesn't address the resentment issue. After all, it seems you truly didn't marry her for the child; you married her because you didn't want her to hate you.
Kim
g_sa ...@hotmail.com (Gif Saavy)
Psyclone, Well, as I just posted in another totally unrelated topic, you really need to be friends with her first. You are not going to wake up one day and look at her, and see the little hearts dancing around her head. In fact, you just sound like someone who has been married for quite some time. Marriage isn't all romance all the time. Why don't you try doing things together that you like. Be her friend. The love will come. I truly believe that we are capable of loving anyone, but we have to be willing to put forth the effort. If you aren't willing to put any effort into it, it's doomed. But it sounds like you are willing to at least try, so give it time. You aren't going to fall in love overnight, and you may never hear a bell go off, but if you work on being friends, and being a parent, you might just wake up one day and realize that you don't want to live without her. If you guys aren't fighting and are still capable of being close enough to make love, then just keep doing what you are doing.
Don't think that there is someone else that you will breeze through life with and it will be like heaven on earth, that's not going to happen. Every one who has had their spouse leave to go make a new life with this magical person only to find themselves more miserable than they were with you, raise your hand. See. Every couple has problems.
It's part of being human. If you are sitting around being miserable, then you are not working on your problems. You just need to deal with the problems you have and work through them. Be glad that you have someone who loves you. You never know, you might find out you have loved her all along, and just didn't realize it. Wouldn't that be nice.
Gif
Psyclone Jack psycl...@subdimension.com
Thank you everyone for your responses.
Currently, we aren't in counselling (lack of time and energy on both our parts), but that's going to change.
For those who have gone through it, is it a better idea to have us both going to counselling together, and both of us going to individual counselling/therapy/analysis?
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psycl...@subdimension.com
"Kai_DeMortuus" sun-...@home.com
Jack, Please don't take this the wrong way, but on this marriage situation thing I would almost trade places. My STBX hates me. Seriously though in my humble opinion, If you go together is makes your chances of reconciliation much better. (even if it isn't your current state of mind) As Gif said maybe you'll find something about each other that really makes a spark ignite.
Also in your post you said you were having previous issues and maybe you should find a good individual therapist for yourself. Your wife is probably depressed now also. It couldn't hurt for her to see a counselor either. I honestly hope things work out for you and her. Divorce, separation, etc.
this shit hurts EVERYONE involved. Plus with a baby it could be really brutal. Finding someone who really loves you is a gift. Give it a try,life is long and love can be sparse.
Good luck, Kai
Janie Mac_K...@hotmail.com
Whoa... you say you're not in any form of counseling whatsoever because you don't have enough time or energy, then you ask if it would be best for you to be setting up three different appointments at a time?
Baby steps. If getting yourselves to a regular counseling appointment together is a challenge, work on that first. Once you get into that habit, and are getting something out of it, you could look at the possibility of individual counseling benefiting you both, and ask your marriage counselor for a referral. But if you try to start out with too big of a chunk, you'll just toss the whole idea as being too much trouble before you get any benefit from it.
Janie
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The reason why rivers and seas receive the homage of a hundred mountain streams is that they keep below them. -- Lao Tse
"Daniel Dick" dandi...@mediaone.net
Jack, Some of the folks here seem to be giving you awesome advice. If you have someone who loves you, divorce is something you'll regret more than any other mistake you could make.
There's a lady who wrote a book called Divorce Busters or Divorce Busting, and she has some ideas that might bring some joy back into your marriage really quickly.
One thing--I hope you won't take this wrong, too--one thing that helps is focusing less on what you get out of the relationship and more on what you give. What you give is under your control, and when you bless someone--especially someone who loves you, the blessing comes back and your joy and your love grow. Problems usually creep in when one person or the other or both start focusing on what they're getting and complain and start allowing themselves to feel trapped. Then the trapped partner struggles to get away while the other one tries to hold on for dear life.
Usually when one partner leaves out of unfaithfulness to the marriage in search of personal gratification, later, their regrets are very deep. Usually selfishness leads to depression and feelings of entrapment. Unselfishness leads to fulfillment, happiness, and a feeling of freedom even in the midst of the worst prison.
I hope that helps.
Dan ...
c0mdrd ...@cs.comnospam (Bruce)
Wow, I didn't realize you knew my ex.
Bruce B
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