CHAT, PARENTING: Teen Years
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pcmor ...@flash.net (Patricia Morton)
As hard as raising children seemed to me in the early years, it seems to me now that it was in so many ways a lot simpler. They were little; I was bigger, and I could *make* them do what they were supposed to do.
They're 16 and 19 now, and a situation came up last night that was horribly upsetting to me, and to them, and to a lesser extent to their Dad (because he had already gone to bed and was trying to sleep.) My younger son was in a funk last night, and he told me that one of his best friends, distraught over a girl, had tried to commit suicide on Sunday night by driving into the lake. Another friend, in a brand new pick-up, blocked him (this impressed the boys, that he put the new pickup at risk). My son found out about it on AOL messenger, which is how his whole group of friends get together and chat (boys seem to talk as much as girls, even though they won't admit it).
Anyway, since I was told the parents of this boy weren't aware of this incident, I grew very agitated and knew they had to know about it. We lost one boy last month to suicide, and if anyone had clued his mother in that he was thinking about it.. - well maybe it would have helped, but maybe not.
But I feel very strongly that we have to make every reasonable effort. This boy is 17 years old.
My son went ballistic - he didn't want me calling the parents; didn't want to be seen as the one who told. My older son jumped in too (uninvited, IMO), and said that this was why they never told me anything, and that if I called the parents I was betraying his and his brother's trust forever.
Despite everyone yelling at me, I had the phone book out, looking up the number. This was at 10:30 last night. Younger son snatched the phone away, and there was a shouting match that I was involved in. I couldn't find the phone number, and so I chose instead to wait until today. I called the high school, anonymously, and spoke with a vice principal. I told him the story, and asked if he could get the information to the parents. He was very glad I called; he didn't want to lose any more kids, either.
Anyway, it was an awful night. I usually have low blood pressure, but the shouting match sent it high, I know, from the way I felt, and from the headache. I hate confrontations. But I've reached a point, especially in this situation, where it's not worth it to keep the peace at all costs. I couldn't cope with something happening to this boy, and me having information that his parents didn't have. I've learned it's hard to go against the flow; hard to make unpopular decisions.
In the midst of the awfulness, I went into my closet with the telephone (it was the only place where people couldn't hear me) and called a trusted friend, who not only backed me up, but felt as strongly as I did that some intervention had to happen. She told me, too, that I wasn't in a popularity contest, and that if my sons chose not to share information with me in the future, I couldn't do anything about that. I had to do what I had to do.
So I did, this morning. And it wasn't easy. I hadn't slept well at all, and even though I know I did the right thing, I've just felt worn down, hung over actually.
The good thing is that last night after I'd talked with my friend on the telephone, I asked younger son to come downstairs, and we talked until around midnight, and had a really good conversation about life, and death, and hard decisions.
But I'm still feeling a lot of turmoil about this. Maybe it just hits too close to home. I know the suicide of the boy last month really, really bummed me out.
So anyway, thanks for listening - it did seem easier in a lot of ways when they were younger. I felt, even if it was an illusion, that I was in control.
Pat
ton ...@efn.org (TonytheTiger)
Hi Pat I would have told the parents too, but I would have waited for the kids to go to bed.
charlie.cf ...@ntlworld.com (Charlie.cfsuk)
Hi Pat, You did the right thing and your son may realise that being a friend means more that loyalty to an imaginary taboo. It is far more important to ensure the friend is OK than be quiet and let them do stupid things in the heat of the moment. You showed them that as despite damage to yourself and possible damage to the relationship you have with your sons you did what was right, they will come to see that. You made a negative into a big positive, well done.
Raising kids does get harder as time goes on depending on the kids of course. With my two one went from good to bad and the other from bad to good so each child on their own merits from my experience.
Charlie.
He who would be better casting spells rather than spelling spells.
mlr-mls ...@juno.com (marcy strauss)
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globetrotter_ ...@msn.com (Jane Fisher)
Pat, A hard decision but a good decision. That you called and how/who you called. Don't beat yourself up.
Glad you had your friend to turn to. Glad you had her support of your decision. Glad you and your son were able to have that talk.
Re your continued turmoil, sometimes when difficult things happen to other people, we fear they may happen to us as well. Talk to your husband. Keep talking to your friend. Keep talking to your sons. Lean on us at CFS-L.
You'll be okay.
((((((((( Pat ))))))))))
--Jane F.
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amyblo ...@earthlink.net (Amy Blough)
Tony said: **Hi Pat **I would have told the parents too, but I would have waited **for the kids to go to bed.
Tony, I think it was much braver and more productive to teach the kids some of these hard life lessons.
Amy
amyblo ...@earthlink.net (Amy Blough)
**In the midst of the awfulness, I went into my closet with the **telephone (it **was the only place where people couldn't hear me) and called a trusted **friend, who not only backed me up, but felt as strongly as I **did that some **intervention had to happen. She told me, too, that I wasn't **in a popularity **contest, and that if my sons chose not to share information **with me in the **future, I couldn't do anything about that. I had to do what **I had to do.
What a good friend, I could not say anything better....you had to do what you had to do and you were RIGHT.
**So I did, this morning. And it wasn't easy.
It must have been so hard, but you have won in many ways. By having the discussion with youngest you made your point about how hard decisions have to be made and by doing it anonymously you at least, for now, have preserved the trust and made each son think about what you have said. I guess it's up to you to tell them if you made the call. I guess I would
- they are protected from the difficult "we can't tattle" because you didn't give a name but it shows them that you follow through.
Now it's time to take care of Pat and make yourself feel better anyway that works. Relax with music, get a m***age, spend money, who care sweetie you deserve it after a night like that.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((Pat)))))))))))))))))) Lots more where that one came from, Amy
bwil ...@oregonfast.net (Bethany Wilson)
Yikes, Pat, what an awful situation to be in. I remember it well! Since I was a therapist, if I ever got wind of anyone's being suicidal, I was legally bound to report it. I just told my kids the same thing. But then I was used to people raising hell with me about that issue, so it wasn't as hard when my kids did it.
I'm sorry but, as an adult, their propensity to not want to be embar***ed in front of their friends is STUPID, and it's up to the parents to by-p*** that, just as you did. Smart way of getting around it haha now you can say you weren't the one who called the parents. The only thing I would done differently, if I'd had the presence of mind at the time, would have been to just be mildly upset in front of the boys and then gone off and notified someone. I finally did get really good at acting nonchalant when my kids told me some horror story, but it wasn't until they were about the age of your kids. Then, when Kate came along, I had it down to a science. They don't have to know what you do behind their backs anymore than you know what they're up to!!
You should feel complimented that they told you that story in the first place. Maybe if you apologize for getting so upset and try to mend fences with them they will tell you more stuff. Then you can calmly go about the business of being a responsible adult and notify whatever people need to be notified in such a way that your kids don't feel embar***ed. Sheesh! My kids are old enough now to look back and see what idiots they were about stuff like that, and now they see I did the right thing. It's really hard though, when confronted by the craziness of adolescence. They are just not thinking straight, but I don't think they are actually capable of doing so, no matter how mad we get.
End of lecture ;-) Bethany
kjmul ...@comcast.net (Kevin and Sue Mullen)
Pat, Raising teenagers is very difficult at times. Sometimes you have to do something that they don't approve of and let it be part of a learning experience. When someone tries to commit suicide, just stoping them is not enough. Having a good group of friends is very helpfult, but not enough. Their parents and their school need to know and they need to get some counciling.
I think you did the right thing and agree you needed to take some action. Also glad you had a good friend you could turn to and that you were able to have a good talk with your son.
Now is time to take care of you and give yourself a pat on the back for doing the right thing.
sue
ton ...@efn.org (TonytheTiger)
Hi Amy There's no doubt that it's braver, but what happens if the kids don't trust Mom anymore?
bwil ...@oregonfast.net (Bethany Wilson)
Hi Amy There's no doubt that it's braver, but what happens if the kids don't trust Mom anymore?
charlie.cf ...@ntlworld.com (Charlie.cfsuk)
Hi Bethany et al, I think they might learn that not all decisions are black and white, not always is the solution the easiest answer and that they have to look past the immediate and onto the future. The question is not what they did or did not learn it is if they have understood exactly what has happened and Pat can do no more than to explain what had happened in the hope it will register in their mind. Having had to make the hard decision myself with my daughters situation, and I stress that it is only my experience from that situation and may not be true for all, I can say that the objective is to act and make a difference rather than sit back so as not to risk upsetting the persons involved. When it comes to it and action is needed then I take that action in the hope that others will understand and maybe learn.
That is not to say that you suggested anything different than that, it is just my thoughts.
Charlie.
He who would be better casting spells rather than spelling spells.
pcmor ...@flash.net (Patricia Morton)
Thank you to all of your for your support.
I can see now that at the moment when I first heard about the suicide attempt that I reacted pretty severely, and I feel that was based on my own knee jerk reaction to something any parent fears. (I don't, however, regret my decision.) One of my good friends sat with the mother a couple of weeks ago, after she lost her son. My friend had held that son in her arms when he was born 15 years ago. The mother was at a 12-step meeting when he shot himself. The boy's father's alcoholism had become so destructive that the parents had separated, and this is what I have heard was the catalyst for his decision.
Anyway, hindsight is perfect, and the way I approached my husband wasn't very helpful either, as he was asleep. ("You need to call _______'s father -
he tried to commit suicide!" "Huh?" "Never mind then, I'll take care of it." Door slam.) But we've since talked it out and we're okay with it. He completely supports my decision to talk to the school, and in the long run that seems to have been the best thing to do.
I don't regret for a minute p***ing that information along. I've seen over the years how one suicide in a school can blossom into an epidemic. And my husband had a good idea (of course he wants me to implement it!): the school should have a hot line for parents or concerned friends to be able to p*** info along in a crisis situation, anonymously. I'm not sure I'm up to pursuing that right now.
Anyway, today I am exhausted, despite another long nap this afternoon, I think from so much emotional stuff. I'm okay with the situation, just having the physical after effects, and my son, very resilient at this age, seems to have moved on. He and I are o.k. My 19 year old - well, somebody told me something yesterday that I found amusing and perhaps very good advice. Since he's at an age where he already knows everything (just ask him), now would be a good time for him to move out and get started on that full time job, before he finds out differently.
Anyway, I really really needed and appreciate your support.
Pat
bwil ...@oregonfast.net (Bethany Wilson)
I wouldn't either! It was a brilliant idea.
And my That is a great idea. Maybe some healthy parents could engineer it.
That's good. You must have a great relationship or they wouldn't have told you that stuff in the first place.
My 19 year old - well, somebody Man, do I second that motion!! My son went off to a prep school as a sophomore, and they put him back a year as part of the deal. (it was a fancy schmancy one and his grades weren't that great), so when he returned to his high school, he was a year behind and 19 as a senior. We made him move out anyway, and it was a great idea. He moved into a basement apt. and worked half time and went to school half time. He has always been very independent since then. It worked so well that his sister wanted to move out the day she turned 18, so we let her,but after a few months living with some hippie college students in their sloppy house, she came back home till she went away to college LOL!
They are both very independent, have always supported themselves, never asked for money, etc. Of course their younger sister is a different story, but she's had CFS since she was 16. She's tried to work,but it just kills her and we insist that she not have a job while she's in college.
Anyway, thanks for sharing your problem with us. This group really does feel like family, doesn't it?
Hugs, Bethany
ton ...@efn.org (TonytheTiger)
Hi Pat I'm reading a book called the Noonday Demon. It's about depression. The book points out that many young people commit copycat suicides; they also kill themselves over trivial issues that wouldn't phase an older person. The first broken heart is painful. After the second, third, and fourth, etc. I got used to it. Just had another beer.
bwil ...@oregonfast.net (Bethany Wilson)
<snip> The first broken heart is painful. After the second, third, and fourth, etc. I got used to it. Just had another beer.
<choke, cough, strangle LOL> Tony, you are too much!
Jer ...@omba.demon.co.uk (Jeremy C B Nicoll)
In article <02c201c2d7fe$ad9540a0$f4840750@oemcomputer>, Charlie.cfsuk <charlie.cf...@ntlworld.com> wrote: I've just tried to write something similar to what Charlie wrote above, but as he said it better, let me just say I agree totally.
--
Jeremy C B Nicoll - my opinions are my own.
charlie.cf ...@ntlworld.com (Charlie.cfsuk)
Hi Jeremy, "Charlie wrote above, but as he said it better" Thanks for the compliment.
Charlie.
He who would be better casting spells rather than spelling spells.
pcmor ...@flash.net (Patricia Morton)
Yeah, the *healthy* kind, ironically.
Pat
pcmor ...@flash.net (Patricia Morton)
I know that, Tony. I've read in the newspapers over the years how at one high school a single suicide will blossom into an epidemic.
They don't think - they just act. And probably believe that despite whatever it is they're doing, they're immortal and they won't really die.
Pat I'm reading a book called the Noonday Demon. It's about depression. = The book points out that many young people commit copycat suicides; they = also kill themselves over trivial issues that wouldn't phase an older = person. The first broken heart is painful. After the second, third, = and fourth, etc. I got used to it. Just had another beer.<<<
bwil ...@oregonfast.net (Bethany Wilson)
Proving once again it's not AIYH, it' AIYB!!!!!!!!!!
kjmul ...@comcast.net (Kevin and Sue Mullen)
At least some part of our body is healthy!!
sue
pcmor ...@flash.net (Patricia Morton)
Thanks, Jeremy. And Charlie.
Pat
---------------------------------
I've just tried to write something similar to what Charlie wrote above, but as he said it better, let me just say I agree totally.
--
Jeremy C B Nicoll - my opinions are my own.
charlie.cf ...@ntlworld.com (Charlie.cfsuk)
Hi Bethany, "This group really does feel like family, doesn't it?" Better than family but then having "Atilla the Hun" as a brother would be better than my family (;-) I am reminded of the old saying " You can chose your friends but not your family " and we all chose to be here, I know I do.
Charlie.
He who would be better casting spells rather than spelling spells.
amyblo ...@earthlink.net (Amy Blough)
Bethany said: **I have to agree with Tony here.
Bethany and Tony, I'll have to give on this one since I'm not a parent.
Amy
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