Are you happy?
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david rennie dren...@ascic.co.uk
I worry about what the future holds for my autistic son - will he get a good education, will he be teased and bullied, will he get a job, get married, have friends, etc. etc. (the list goes on for a long time). However, whatever he chooses to do and however things turn out, the most important thing to me is that he is happy.
Whenever I read things that autistic and Asperger people write it often seems to be words of frustration and confusion.
You seem to be constantly battling the demons within you.
I know that to define what *a happy life* is can be difficult, but my question to you is ARE YOU HAPPY?
Regards David
Kalen n...@paradox.freeserve.co.uk
These days, basically, yes.
Kalen
"Dilligaf \(Main PC\)" jefferson.router_NOSP...@ntlworld.com
No.
Dilligaf
Sojourner Sojourn...@cox.net
He must be interested..especially in his teens which was extremely rough for an aspie like myself. Adolescence was hell for me and hell on my parents.
All the new feelings I was getting was overloading me often. If he is interested in a subject, he will excel. If he doesn't, there could be problems. I had so-so grades in everything I didn't like. Yet, I was building simple radios in ballpoint pens in fourth grade.
probably.
Could be. A lot of it depends on his outlook, much of which is influence by you, his parent you got your hands full, but the rewards are many!
I can't speak for others, but often I vent frustrations here. After all, this is a "support" group.It's a place we can all come to and discuss in a non-threatening way our issues and such without having to physically meet someone and have to deal with eye-contact and other distractive things to the aspie/autistic mind.
I'd have to say I am "happy" in the sense that I am not in any hurry to go out and kill myself. I must say as well that I do deal with certain issues with regards to the imbalance of the tremendous gifts being an aspie gives me and the accompanying problems with inertia, self-esteem and social difficulties that make certain achievements much more difficult than that of a neurotypical person.
I can't say, even at 41, that I am what I want to be when I grow up. God has gifted many of us with sheer brilliance, yet it has a hard time for many of us to be channeled effectively. Some of us are lucky and we have employment in our perservations and make tons of money and employers don't mind us being eccentric because of the quality of work we can provide. Our peer relationship may be difficult, but most employers look at results, not the person. That is their bottom line.The big issue with autistics is gettin past the interview process and given the chance to prove one's abilities.
Sometimes our perservations pay off. I am reminded of a young kid with a difficult case of autism, who liked to take some scissors, paper, glue, pencil and a few objects from around the house and he could look at an antique car and go home and using just his mind, laminate layers of glue and paper, and recreate an exact model replica of the car. His parents supported his endeavors and his creations were highly collectable, selling often for thousands of dollars. He was supporting himself as a fullfledged autistic and he wasn't even a teen yet!. I don't think he even could talk!
(this is all from memory from something I saw on TV years ago, so the facts may be slightly askew) Happiness I think will come largely from giving the right support, understanding things like the fact that some autistics don't like to be cuddled and some do because of sensory overload. Many have different sensory problems that need to be discovered and made allowance for.
Understands that his preservations will probably tend to be the major things that develop his mind and just let him perservere at time. He will have to grow up differently as he will have to discover "workarounds" to his neurological limitations. In many ways, him growing up will be a harder challenge in YOU more than him. Somewhere in there you have to work in morals and such as well.
Am I happy? Yes. Am I satisfied? Not much. Aspie-ism is a restraint in many ways that holds some of us back from achieving full potential.
I should be a rocket scientist. I am a bookkeeper.Before that a customer service rep on a phone.Before that a forklift driver. Before that a rice farmer. Before that a servicemen. I build and repair computers for "fun" and I probably "should" be a techie, but something holds me back. Perhaps it is fear. Perhaps it is because perservations are "my" little world, and "I" can only be "boss" in my little world and I see an incompatibility there.
...My, I am ranting on am i?
But, I am not unhappy. Sure, I have had and still go through the midlife crisis thing, but think its about over.
My biggest unhappiness is lack of sufficient free time. I need to be financially independent. If I was....."World....look out"!
I think your son has a chance to be just as happy as the next person. Once he gets over his difficulties and learns ways around them and such and he gets the right kind of support and guidance, he can go far. I'm optimistic about it. It's the parents that AREN"T here asking such questions that I am not very optimistic about.
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Blessings, Sojourner
"Stephen Wilson" sr.wil...@ntlworld.com
That is an impossible question to answer. I don't know anyone is always happy, all the time, aspie or not.
Speaking for myself, I did have a pretty miserable childhood, but I had enough things to keep me busy. Things began to improve when I reached 6th form and university was pretty good.
Now, I don't have a wonderful job, but at least I have a job. I don't have a big circle of friends, but I do have some form of a social life. So I'm mostly happy... :)
sggaB ama...@autistics.org
That's good.
Autistic people live in a world that's hostile to most of us. That can generate frustration and confusion in anyone. Many autistic people come here to vent.
Also, since trouble with social understanding is near-universal, and trouble with sensory understanding is common, confusion comes with the territory. Confusion and happiness aren't mutually exclusive though.
Actually, I'd say I'm battling things *outside* me.
Sometimes. That doesn't say anything about whether your son will be, though. Autistic people have the potential for any emotional makeup I can think of.
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david rennie dren...@ascic.co.uk
I have every intention of encouraging his perservations that are of an intellectual nature. I have hopes for him to be respected by his peers for being 'very good' at some things if this compensates for him being poor at others and therefore makes him more socially acceptable as he is.
Does this sound riduculous?
What kind of workarounds? What can I do to support and advise him with these? I'm confused about such things at the moment, as he has only recently been diagnosed and I realise I've got a lot of effort to put in to try and get into his mind and learn what makes him tick. But at this point in time, I feel as mind blind with him as he probably is with me.
Yes my friend, you are right. The frustration is that I feel that I want to be by his side and fight his battles for him, but I know that I can only get away with this for so long and I'll have to watch him as his learns to cope the hard way - and I get the feeling that this will be painful at times.
If this is so then why can't you change your life to be that rocket scientist. What is that 'something' that holds you back?
I would say that this is true for most of us!
Thank you for these re***uring words.
Regards David
sggaB ama...@autistics.org
One does not have to get over the difficulties of being autistic in order to be happy. I've met plenty of counterexamples, and sometimes am one. <grin>
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david rennie dren...@ascic.co.uk
I agree. It's just that I believe that the majority of NTs if asked to give a one sentance answer to this question would say, "Well, I'm not unhappy".
I just get the impression that the majority of autistic people would give a different answer, take Dilligaf's for example.
What made you so miserable in childhood? Was it the general frustrations of life being ASD or some personal bad experiences? I ask because clearly I wouldn't want my son to be reflecting on his childhood in this manner, and I'll do all I can to make this the case.
Good for you.
David
david rennie dren...@ascic.co.uk
You've probably had enough misunderstandings for one lifetime so please accept my apologies for yet another.
Regards David
david rennie dren...@ascic.co.uk
You've probably had enough misunderstandings for one lifetime so please accept my apologies for yet another.
Regards David
david rennie dren...@ascic.co.uk
You've probably had enough misunderstandings for one lifetime so please accept my apologies for yet another.
Regards David
"Anna Hayward, Alien Visitor" A...@ratbag.demon.co.uk
Hi David, I have AS and it's not the "demons within me" that are the problem, but the idiots around me with whom I have to deal - social services who think AS = mad and stupid, welfare benefits officers that think you're not disabled if it's just your brain that's affected, OTs who can't remember to phone ahead to warn you they're coming (and can't understand that we don't like unpredictability), home-helps that never turn up...
that sort of thing.
Of course, most of the suffering in my earlier life could have been avoided if I'd not had to wait until I was 34 to get a proper diagnosis!
Being treated for mental illnesses you don't have is not a great way to grow up ;oP But despite this, I'd say I'm as happy as the average person, and a lot happier than most. Non-autistic people don't seem to be particularly cheery, as a group - all those talk shows on TV are full of people with horrendous problems with absolutely no AS or autism involved.
There is frustration and confusion that is part of autism. There is also joy in things that neuro-typicals may take for granted - I was waxing lyrical the other day about the beauty of geometric patterns and explaining to a parent why lining up toys was so satisfying. She thought the only possible reason was anxiety. It never occurred to her that it could be, as I said at the time "Rather like looking at a beautiful sunset that you built yourself".
Don't make the mistake of thinking that autistics, as a group, are any more or less happy than anyone else.
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Anna Hayward, Alien Visitor
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The alt.support.autism FAQ is at http://www.ratbag.demon.co.uk/anna/asa/
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sggaB ama...@autistics.org
Exactly.
I've often been puzzled by official claims to the effect that perseverative interests are a reaction to not having a social life, or a sort of emotional substitute for a social life. I'd have never thought of it that way (and then sometimes had to argue with people who insisted it *had to* be that way, because nobody would perseverate naturally.)
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sggaB Autistic Spectrum Code, v1.0 AA! dpu s-:+ a-- c+(++) p(+) t--- f--- S--(++)@ p?@ e-(+)@ h- r--@ n--
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Sojourner Sojourn...@cox.net
This could be speculation, but I personally feel that many of my past perserverations that weren't neccesarily of "intellectual" nature provided certain internal groundwork from which higher and more intellectual perseverations were built from. )My opinion only. I would at least keep that in mind though as you see him getting fascinated for hours watching a spider build a web or two insects fight.) Not at all!
Well, if he finds it hard, as some do, to express emotions with his face as he is talking so people can "see where he's coming from" he may have to develop a knack for "acting" or intentionaly dramatizing his communication.
This is an art in itself and even I have not mastered it, but it is something he may have to learn to make up for the lack of getting the point he is trying to express properly in order that NTs can understand him. It's harder than it looks. THere are all sorts of little nuances. There are a myriad of other little things like that which may have to take the place of the "real" thing as it were.
I, for instance, have had to develope a ritual of doing certain things when I come to work or otherwise see someone I know for the first time that day.
In the past, I would be deep in thought and go to clock in and walk right past friends and such and not even acknowledge them until I "needed" to do so. In my aspie mind, I never really even thought that there might be some sort of unwritten social rule that compels an NT to at least raise one's eyebrow to a friend as you are walking by. NT's take non-acknowledgement as being rude, self-centered and snobbish when nothing is further from the actual truth. I just simply don't THINK in that manner.So....as a work around, I have been trying to get in the habit of saying "hi" or something of the matter in order to make the NTs feel like I care, which I do, but can't express in in a typical NT fashion by mere instinct. Many things like this are workaraounds to allow us to survive in an NT world. It takes a lot of finesse.
Another thing is abruptly interupping two people talking. An aspie such as myself (and this does vary from person to person) often sees the world around him as separate from himself. I can only describe it as seeing the world as "the game" or "it" and "me". I "play the game" everyday and don't see this world sometimes as me being a part of it and there being other people just like me in it too. People, then, sometimes become part of the "It", and are merely animated parts of the "game" and I am only aware of myself and MY feelings. One might call it "clinical self-centeredness) Sometimes, when deep in thought or in needing information from someone, I can just "not think" that I am dealing with another human that has thoughts and feelings just as myself, so I can. on occasion, interrupt a conversation (or even a person thinking hard about something) between to people an ask for my information. Too often, it's after the fact when I suddenly get full eye contact and overload that I realise my mistake. I have to set my mind to approach people with tact which I am far from finding that perfect tactic.
All I can say is read what you can and try to put yourself in his mind as he does things and find out "where the autism is" and how it changes his awareness and view of things. No two autistics are alike! he is just as unique as you or I.Then go from there. I don't think it's realistice to expect yourself to figure out all this at once. such things take time, and patient observation is the key here.
It will, but not must different than a mother worrying about sending her NT child alone to school for the first time, knowing that he will be learning more lessons of life than just school. You will just have more of it that's all. It will be a challenge, but you are already doing the right things.
There are many things, but I would have to say mostly that it is the road to get there. Besides being an introvert, the social challenges are immense.
Plus there is schooling. I have a ninth grade education (I joined the service when I was 17) with a GED. I am pretty much self-taught in everything I have done...from farming, to rebuilding engines, computers and the like. Most employers like to see a degree on paper. Unless I went to a formal school, this would be impossible and so much of my life has already p***ed. The chances are pretty slim these days. Having to support myself and my wife would mean parttime college and a degree of any sort would take years and years. Retirement age would probably come sooner. Plus there is the problems of inertia and with college and a job too, there would be very little "recoup" time that autistics tend to need more often than NTs.
A lot of reasons really. My brain tends to "what if" itself to death as I think about all these things and I venture off into scenarios and such and can't seem to break out of it and actually decided to go for something.
Plus, if my perseveration changes in midstream, there is no more inertia to keep me going. It's hard to explain.
Of course! We aren't really THAT alien, trust me!
I think if you have the determination and patience, things will go just fine.
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Blessings, Sojourner
Sojourner Sojourn...@cox.net
Perhaps I was being too "expressive" in order to get a point across. I do that often. Perhaps I should have said "Once he learns of his difficulties and begans learning ways around them" or something of the like which my brain cannot eloquently express right now.
You're correct. Sometimes I am perfectly happy not dealing with certain obstacles at a given time because I just don't want to and I don't feel guilty about it either.
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Blessings, Sojourner
Robin May northcircu...@btopenworld.com
As other people have said, I don't think I'm battling demons within me.
I think my main problems are to do with getting understanding from the people around me.
I'm generally happy. I have problems that make me unhappy, the biggest of which is being in a different country to my girlfriend.
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message by Robin May, not a UK hardcore raver "A view without a room unveils the truth so soon" (or so they say)
"Gareeth" Gare...@nothotmail.com
I have a good education. I graduated from a very good university with a high GPA. That hasn't translated into a decent career but oh well. I do have a job but it doesn't support me.
I have some friends. Not as many as most people but the ones I have are good friends.
Happy is a hard one. I wouldn't say most of the time that I am happy. I am not as unhappy as I have been at other times in my life though. Being not unhappy will do.
Gareeth
"Stephen Wilson" sr.wil...@ntlworld.com
I never really fitted in at school. I don't know that I was exactly anti-social, but I certainly did not enjoy activities which involved mixing with others. I never had friends around to my house, and I was never invited to anyone else's. So life was fairly lonely, especially on the occasions others picked on me. But I don't really see how something like that can be avoided. Apart from being a supportive parent, getting through school is something you have to deal with mostly on your own. If I could go back knowing what I do now, I really don't think I could make much of a difference. Unfortunately growing up can be tough! But as I said, things have improved, so it's not all bad...
Thanks (I think!)
"Stephen Wilson" sr.wil...@ntlworld.com
Not entirely. But be careful. Who determines what sort of perseveration are beneficial and which are detrimental? Which ones are 'of the moment' and likely to be just p***ing phases? And sometimes it's good to do something that isn't intellectual - there has to be balance. And sometimes an obsession in something not obviously helpful can keep some people sane. I know a few people who are (for instance) fans of Star Trek. The fact that they're obsessed by it means that they have something to focus on and prevents such things as depression setting in.
"If you love someone, set them free." He's going to have to learn to stand on his own 2 feet just as you did. He may have different problems to others, but hopefully nothing that can't be overcome.
I know the feeling. With me it's a few things. Lack of self-confidence is one. I don't know that lack of ambition is entirely true, but there's the feeling of security and lack of stress in some of the less demanding jobs...
"Gareeth" Gare...@nothotmail.com
EEk I gave an NT answer. Gareeth runs around in circles stimming frantically.
Gareeth
growingj ...@hotmail.com
I consider myself to be one of the happier people that I know.
I am happy with my life right now, and the direction it is going.
Sure, there is still frustration and confusion, but that's not the substance of my life. Plenty of otherwise "NT" people are unhappy. As for "demons within you", I do feel that is accurate much of the time - when I find myself unable to function due to sensory overload or stress, I do feel that it is a sort of demon within me (in the non-spiritual sense). But not all my problems are due to those. But one thing I've learned is that NTs do the same things I do - they try to act as best as they can, with a faulty understanding of every other character type (just as ACs have similar problems). Thus they sometimes do things which are painful and unpleasent. Others do these things intentionally, but I'm convinced they are fairly rare. There certainly could be a better understanding in NTs of what autism is like, and that would help all of us be happier, but I'm also convinced that it is possible to be happy even with the most unpleasent external stimuli.
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Joel
Hylander j...@spameater.com
This happened to me. I was a minimum wage earner until one day, I went to an interview. It was a hotly contested debate on whether or not I should work there. A guy with a british accent landed me my job. I think the other guy had a problem with me. Still, I respected him in the end and he respected me. (the person who I think started off refusing to have me work there) Well, that launched a career and I grew quickly and my quality of life quintupled. Still, ever since I have been married, I have had more and more trouble mentally and physically. I think there are other challenges that are no longer there that I need. Life is strange and so am I. Everyone else is in a state of denial about their strangeness when it comes to fitting in into society. I myself am aware of my 2nd degree strangeness to the point that it is now something I don't deal with as much as other people. I'm cozy with my life but and I dread mortality but I want to do something good in my corner of the world and try to contribute more than I take. We can be happy. Childhood is the rougest part. I could have easily become one of those kids who at 14 who bought a machine gun and brought it to school. Adults are (and still are) so naive when it comes to their children and what they are capable of.
Financial success I don't think is an end all. It is really how you spend time rather than what you have. Of course, financial success can buy time....but don't wait till you are 90 to use the time bought. Also, it is good for everyone to accept wisdom from each other. This isn't true today. Everyone is an expert and a comic and no one really listens or becomes extraordinary. Everyone is taught cookie cutter techniques for being socially successful. Every parent does the same stupid thing with their children. It is hard to say what it is but parenting is the toughest art to master and I don't think it is really done right even today.
Hylander j...@spameater.com
If I could go back and raise myself and make myself happier, I would organize children that would be friendly and let me participate in things.
I would allow a lot of time for play. I would let him stay at home and be taught or go to a gifted or private school where attention would be given.
I would give him the chance to explore anything he wanted mechanically...I would give him the chance to excel. I would get him diagnosed and be aware of his problems. I would work hard to make sure we could take care of him.
I wouldn't smother him or give him too high expectations. I would participate in anything that was odd that he liked and give him positive attention. We are like computers in a more ways than one. GIGO principle applies. If you provide sincere, and honest but encouraging help.
ie: I do like it when people say "That was original" instead of "that was odd" I like it when people say, "I know you can fix it, take your time" instead of "hurry and fix it or else you're fired".
I like it when people don't shun me but I also like it when they understand I have my intense interests and like to be left to think.
I like it when people don't rush me for a decision but tell me when I need to decide by and explain the options if they know more than I do.
I like it when people explain things well.
I actually like competition.
I actually like it when people sacrifice a little of their "likes" to like something that I like or to listen to my long speeches.
It isn't easy to please us in other words. But every little bit helps ;O> Sending an autistic a 2 billion dollars in their favorite currency also makes a nice birthday present ;o> (okay, so we are a little mercenary in nature). Still, autistics are human but they do need either extra or less attention at times. Like a cat. We expect you to know what we want but cannot know what you want and need that understanding sometimes. If you want us to know what you want, spell it out and don't worry that you might sound stupid. Still, we will usually let you know when it is enough and don't really think about whether or not it was stupid. (well, we can be cynical but still, we don't waste that much time gossipping and the worst that can happen is that we hold our thought to ourselves or say something blunt to you. Just cause we are autistic doesn't mean we don't get embarr***ed or feel rejected. (at least those that are high functioning enough to recognize it).
If you want us to listen, make good eye contact and don't expect them to hear things said in p***ing.
We don't enjoy inside jokes or excessive trickery played on us. We are used to it and may get it but we don't like guessing people's intentions or those kinds of jokes. Sarcasm is very difficult for a younger autistic.
This is just speaking for myself.
natureloverch ...@aol.com (NatureloverChris)
I am lucky in that small things make me happy. Looking at the stars, walking in nature, pretty leaves, dogs, cats, caterpillars... well you get the idea. I am lucky because my job relates to me perseveration. These things make me happy.
However I've had my bad times. The past few years I haven't been so happy. But I think all people's lives are like that. Now things are settling down and I am more happy again. Isn't this how life works?
chris
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