OT: joy, a child rearing problem and just general BS
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"Kathleen and Steve" blitz1...@msn.com
I am sitting here listening to Christmas music - I got an unexpected day off today - and just feeling generally joyous. DH and I have been approved for a small loan, after many credit problems in general our report is finally looking good again! Better yet, this loan, which will hopefully be repaid pronto, marks the beginning of rebuilding our credit rating. Whooohoooo!
Now for the child rearing thing. I bought Stevie 2 brand new pairs of jeans because the cool season is upon us (almost freezing here today, brrrr) and she will not wear them. Need I mention that I don't have the money to buy my girls things they will not wear, she is *awful* hard to buy jeans for because of her small size and short legs, and she always loves them in the store. And it makes me mad!!! And this morning she cried about it. Last year my Mom bought her a beautiful new winter coat, which Stevie helped pick out. You guessed it. She has worn it about 5 times and says she doesn't like it. I don't want to buy a new damn jacket for her. Do I make her wear it/them anyway? I can't afford to keep going through this. She is too young for this! (6yo) So, I am awaiting your wise advice!
With hope and heart, Kathleen
"rebecca" justrebec...@yahoo.com
Yup, stuff her little self right into them. Especially if she helped pick them out. I'd start paying attention to fabrics and detergent though, to see if there's a pattern to what she won't wear. Sometimes SS doesn't like how a particular fabric feels on his skin, so even if it's a cute thing, he's uncomfortable in it.
rebecca
janelaw2 ...@aol.com (jane)
Are you capable of sending her to school in the same too short, worn-out jeans for the rest of the year? Because if you are, I suggest you send her to her father's house in the new "reject" clothes. He'll keep them, and you won't have to worry about it.
jane
"Rhonda" philli...@nwonline.net
Kathleen, My 16 yr old does the same thing. She'll pick out clothes and then not wear them. My husband and I spent a lot of money for clothes, school supplies and so on that she "just had to have" and now wont even use. Like the backpack, a zippered trapper keeper (which she just had to have), at the beginning of the year we bought her 6 pairs of pants, (she's 5'9", so she wears adult clothes), she wears one pair over and over and over. So, we took her out and bought her a couple more that again she picked out. She wont wear them either. It was getting chilly so she said she needed long shirts, so we took her to the store and she picked them all out again. She hasn't wore any of them. No I will not buy her any more clothes, backpack, trapper or coat.
I've wore the same darn coat every year for the last 8 yrs or so, and she gets a new one every year. Although nothing is wrong with the one she had from last year. Things are so expensive, especially when you have to buy them over and over again.
Rhonda
"Kathleen and Steve" blitz1...@msn.com
What she has are those really thin pants, almost "leggings" type. And I don't think I can let her wear them in this cold weather (too soft I guess -
therin lies the problem). I was talking about my 6yo, so Dad lives here with us and has to listen to the noise too. <grin> hugs, Kathleen
"Kathleen and Steve" blitz1...@msn.com
This is my whole thing. This summer it was a Dilliard's $20 spaghetti strap shirt with beads hanging off it. Cute as can be, but she wouldn't wear it.
My Mom bought it for her, I would *never* LOL. I am wearing the same winter jacket (actually a vest) I've had for 15 years... because I love it, because it doesn't get very cold in Texas, because I'm too cheap to put out $70 for a new jacket, and I rarely *ever* buy myself a $20 shirt. So darn it, she should be grateful! <more grins> Tonight I told her we would give the new jeans to a kid on the giving tree at WalMart, and she would have to wear the jacket this winter until next year. I also informed her when we get her new jeans she *will* have to wear them... or I will have to use the paddle. We'll see how it goes.
hugs, Kathleen
whans ...@aol.com (WhansaMi)
Jane, you are SO BAD!! <<giggle>> Sheila
"joyojoy" joyo...@dingoblue.net.au
> Tonight I told her we would give the new jeans to a kid on the giving tree
> at WalMart, and she would have to wear the jacket this winter until next
> year. I also informed her when we get her new jeans she *will* have to wear
> them... or I will have to use the paddle. We'll see how it goes.
> hugs, Kathleen All I can say is if she is behaving this way about clothes at the age of 6, heaven help you when she reaches 12,13,14...Fortunately I only have boys and its only since my oldest hit 14 this year that clothes have become an issue.
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joyojoy "Life wasn't meant to be easy" (Malcolm Fraser)
Caitriona Mac Fhiodhbhuidhe kit...@whitepine.com
Arrggghhhhh! You're going through this, too?
YD has been pulling that stunt with us. I finally pointed out to her that I've got 1 pr of jeans and 2 pr of slacks, all of which I've had over a year, and that the jeans are starting to wear, but that I'd bought jeans for *her* rather than for *me*. I also told her that from now on, she can buy her own jeans out of her own money, that maybe she'd actually *wear* them then. Kitten
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janelaw2 ...@aol.com (jane)
Lee has to pick out all her own clothes if she's going to wear them. I merely retain veto power. It can't be forced, either. I can't bring her to a store and instruct her to pick out two pairs of jeans. jane
"James and Lacy Whitus" jamesandlacy.whit...@verizon.net
"Caitriona Mac Fhiodhbhuidhe" <kit...@whitepine.com> wrote <<I've got 1 pr of jeans and 2 pr of slacks, all of which I've had over a year, and that the jeans are starting to wear,>> AMEN LOL I've got three pairs of stretchy cotten pants, a pair of sweat pants, and a pair of shorts. I've not been able to afford any new clothing for almost a year since I got laid off (no more work around here) Believe me I've been trying to find work, but it's not happening and DH isn't as supportive about it as he used to be. Sometimes it does as far as "What are you putting on your applications, DON'T HIRE ME?" well damn, i might as well be.
My husband and I both desperitly need clothing, but Little SS comes first of course... He's got plenty now, but it's the christmas season, and we need money for gifts. I got some hand me downs from my mom (nice looking stuff too) Hopefully I can get work soon.
Luckily SS isn't old enough to tell me he doesn't want to wear something, he doesn't really like the leather coat my dad got him, but he wears it anyway.
Anne Haas txaes2...@yahoo.com
Good point. I'm allergic to most laundry detergents. The only thing I use now is All Free. If I don't, I break out into hives where the fabric touches me for any length of time. For me, Tide is the worse one. Oh, and Arm & Hammer.
AnneH In article <h2aN7.11529$WC1.1436...@newsread2.prod.itd.earthlink.net>, "rebecca" says...
"ms_cal" ms_c...@hotmail.com
Kathleen, I don't know if you're interested in trying something like this but after one too many arguments over clothing, etc., my ex (and this was LONG before divorce was an issue) and I instituted a monthly clothing allowance for our children. We started off with 35.00 a month which turned out to be too little, and has been fiddled with to get to 50/mo. This is per child and is to cover EVERYTHING they put on their bodies. Jeans /Dresses /undies /jamies /hats /mittens /jackets /shoes.- EVERYTHING.
They have to budget their money, and plan for change of seasons etc. Since we started doing this, my son in particular has become much more conscious of how much clothing costs, and is a bargain shopper. The hardest thing is at 15 y/o, he wears a size 14EE shoe, and they aren't easy to find or cheap.
But he manages. (He even bought a suit from St. Vincent DePaul {think Salvation Army type thrift store} as he didn't want to spend a lot for a one-time need. We gave them a lot of latitude, and allowed them to make mistakes, such as when my DD spent an entire month on a pair of shoes she doesn't wear, then needed something-she had to wait until the next month to get her next allotment. We also retain veto privileges (NO south park t-shirts allowed on my watch, lol!!) As for the amount, you could figure out what amount you think is reasonable, and go from there. Where I live, $50.00/mo is very, very low, but the kids manage. They don't shop at the Gap, or the current favorite Pacific Sunwear anymore, except for maybe a splurge item. Wal-mart & Target: they are our friends, lol..
I know your daughter seems too young for all of this at the moment, but my DD was around 8/9 and DS was 10/11.
My sister with a younger daughter had a very similar problem as yours, and she ended up sitting her down and explaining that they could not afford to buy clothes they don't wear, and that if she refused to wear clothing she had helped pick out, she would have to pay her mother back for them. Since she did not have money, she had to pay it back with manual labor <g> For the cost of whatever it was she wouldn't wear, she would have to spend a corresponding amount of time doing chores, etc around the house. Chores she wouldn't have had to do otherwise. Such as making mom's bed, dusting-
nothing too big, but enough to make a point. IIRC, the amount of time related to the amount of hours it took mom to earn the cost of the clothing, plus the time it took to drive to the store, pick the clothing out, etc.
It took her exactly ONE time to get the message that she has to REALLY plan on wearing what she picks out, and my sis has not had that problem since.
And one final thing. When I was going through the ADHD study, I was really surprised to find out that having clothing feel irritating to the skin is very common with ADHD people. I don't remember is your DD is one of the kids mentioned here with ADHD or not, but if she is, that might explain it.
I do have problems with certain pieces of my wardrobe bothering me. I can not wear a blouse without at least a tank top or camisole underneath (cotton, silk or satin-I can't abide other fabrics) . It just feels wrong to me. 20 degrees or 100 degrees outside, and I've always got two tops on.
It really is a pain, but at least I know why now.
I hope something can help-
Cal~
whans ...@aol.com (WhansaMi)
Cal, I think those are excellent ideas :-) I've not had to deal with the issue yet (my kids still ask me to pick out their stuff--shoot, maybe I shouldn't even TRY to have them do it---they might become more picky!!).
However, when they reach "that age", I will definitely try something like that!
Sheila
"ms_cal" ms_c...@hotmail.com
I don't remember how old your kids are, (I am finding it harder and harder to keep track of which child belongs to whom... (is that the correct tense?
<g> I KNOW there is someone who'll tell me). But if they are getting on towards the teen years, it is a great way to help them learn a few really important lessons about money, budgeting, and planning ahead.
Cal~ (DS 15, DD 13)
"Rhonda" philli...@nwonline.net
Anne, I'm responding to what you said about being allergic to most laundry soaps.
I am also, but unlike you I can use Tide. This also helped...use an extra rinse. When your clothes are all done, put it on the last rinse again. Also, make sure and measure everything, detergent, bleach, fabric softener, and use only the recommended amounts.
Rhonda
Caitriona Mac Fhiodhbhuidhe kit...@whitepine.com
We're starting this in January. We told them about it this morning.
Chewy told them they could just throw out all their old stuff if they wanted and go buy what they needed with the $50.00/mo they'll be getting. I advised them to go about it a bit more slowly.
Kitten
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whans ...@aol.com (WhansaMi)
ROFLMAO! Men! ;-))) Sheila
we ...@hundredakerwood.freeserve.co.uk (Wendy)
I've thought about this, particularly for my OD. The thing is that I'm not sure I trust her to be responsible. It isn't just buying inappropriate clothes, it's planning the year out so she has enough for uniform buying at the start of the new year, and winter coats and shoes and things. I think this might work better when there isn't a uniform. I also worry that it's money she can call on for inappropriate purposes too, though I guess having to publish an account of what's been spent including receipts would work.
Wendy
"ms_cal" ms_c...@hotmail.com
LOL Wendy, you don't actually HAND them 50.00 a month and expect them to account for it. At least not in the beginning. We post a chart on the bulletin board with the days of the month and on the first of the month you mark that they have 50.00 in their 'account'. When they want to go clothes shopping you make a plan, what they wish to look for, what they need. And then when they're done, it is deducted from their account. When one of my kids says they want to go clothes shopping, we discuss what they want and why. We discuss what they might need in the future, etc.
They are absolutely not allowed to spend the clothing money on anything else. And if they want more than what they can manage to purchase with the 50.00 they can use their allowance. And yes, we keep the receipts. We also retain veto power over anything we think is inappropriate.
Cal~
Caitriona Mac Fhiodhbhuidhe kit...@whitepine.com
You could also use it to help her learn budgeting skills, ie sit down with her to write up a monthly budget with X-amt of money set back each month specifically for uniforms the next fall. There are a lot of life skills and math lessons that can be worked into this.
We're going to start out with each of them getting their $50.00/mo put into an envelop that will be kept in my desk drawer. When they need to go shop for clothes/shoes, they'll be given the money in their envelop.
What they don't spend goes back into the envelop until next time. Once they've gotten the hang of it, we'll look at simply giving them the money or putting it into their savings accts.
Kitten
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we ...@hundredakerwood.freeserve.co.uk (Wendy)
D'oh! Why can't they invent a credit card which parents can pay into but which children can only use in certain stores? Okay that's limiting choices, I guess.
At least not in the beginning. We post a chart on the bulletin board I guess as long as I got an account of the money spent and the change back to put back into the account, I'd feel more comfortable. OD isn't good at managing her money, but maybe if I write down the rules and they sign their agreement to abide by them and accept the consequences then I'd be more comfortable until I was prepared to give her more trust. I think that YD would be okay.
Wendy
we ...@hundredakerwood.freeserve.co.uk (Wendy)
That's a good idea too, Cat. Maybe I'll get them both to use Excel to plan out a budget for the year to reflect what they're likely to need and see what the pattern of expenditure required will be.
I guess as long as receipts were forthcoming I could do it.
Wendy
vjr ...@xcski.com (Vicki Robinson)
<D'oh! Why can't they invent a credit card which parents can pay into but <which children can only use in certain stores? Okay that's limiting choices, <I guess.
You can buy cards in stores here that have an amount of money "loaded" on them, but you'd have to have one for each store. Stevie carries a Visabuxx card, which looks like a Visa, but is preloaded. I cash her paychecks and give her an allowance this way. She can't spend more than she's got (no credit) and she's learning about service fees and the unfortunate facts of life concerning posting dates. (In other words, if you go to an ATM to see how much money you have, consider that that $40 purchase you made day before yesterday might not have gone through yet.) It's very handy too, because I load it through a web page, and can arrange to have my credit card charged, or my bank account. I have total control; I can suspend the card anytime I like, and I get the account statement (always available on the web, and you can request a paper statement for a $2 fee).
http://www.visabuxx.com/ Might be limited right now to the US.
Vicki
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janelaw2 ...@aol.com (jane)
I'm having trouble working through something in this post and in Martha's telephone post. The subject keeps popping up lately in my uncyber life, too.
My first thought was "but how can the girl not be able to make a decision like this if she's 17?" Then I think that you're her mother, so you probably know.
Then I reflect that areas like phone calls and clothing budgets are probably good places to practice decision-making because the consequences of making a mistake are not too severe.
This is all set against the mental backdrop of some of our SKs turning 18 and committing themselves to the military for 8 years. Others are making decisions about colleges and pregnancy. OTOH, I look at Lee and her younger teen friends and all the little indirect messages they send about responsibility. When they do things like make a list of all the people they need gifts for and set up a budget, you're bound to feel they are ready for more fiscal responsibility. When they get caught sneaking in at 11, you've got to figure they're telling you they need some closer supervision. I'm finding this difficult, though. Things move so fast, and the signs can be so subtle. I've got one kid here, and she's the third I've lived with through the teens. My friend who has 3 kids, the oldest of which has hit her teens, is feeling like she stepped into an alternate universe where everything is just beyond her ken. jane
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