different parenting strategies
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"Wendi" wmar...@yahoo.com
Hey there again.
How do you guys deal with different parenting habits between you and DH/SO?
(Keep in mind that all 5 of our kids live with us full time.) SO doesn't seem to take things very seriously when his kids break the rules and has a big habit of denying on-going problems. We won't even talk about the whole cleaning thing... ;-) We've worked very hard to create a set of standards for all of the kids while in our house, but we tend to enforce them differently. I am very much "by the rules" while he kind of bends them when it's convenient for him. Anyway, almost all of our "misunderstandings" are due to parenting issues. Got any coping suggestions?
Wendi
"l w" lacedvi...@hotmail.com
DH and I have a "master plan" that is to always agree with whatever punishment, chore, or decision the other makes, at least in front of the child. Children are quick to pick up on difference in parenting styles, they see it as a weakness, and an opportunity, and they go for it..... you have to work together to avoid this.
god, I make it sound like war don't i?
...
vjr ...@xcski.com (Vicki Robinson)
<Hey there again.
<How do you guys deal with different parenting habits between you and DH/SO?
<(Keep in mind that all 5 of our kids live with us full time.) SO doesn't <seem to take things very seriously when his kids break the rules and has a <big habit of denying on-going problems. We won't even talk about the whole <cleaning thing... ;-) We've worked very hard to create a set of standards <for all of the kids while in our house, but we tend to enforce them <differently. I am very much "by the rules" while he kind of bends them when <it's convenient for him. Anyway, almost all of our "misunderstandings" are <due to parenting issues. Got any coping suggestions?
Revisit your standards. They're only standards if each of you is willing to not only buy into them, but enforce them too. It's been my experience that my ex wanted a whole forest of rules and regulations, and implied that I wasn't a good parent if I didn't think these were all good ideas, so I agreed to them. The problem was that I didn't like them, there were too many and I don't much like being rule-bound anyway, so enforcing the rules was beyond me.
You and your husband have to get behind a set of standards that you *both* truly and in your hearts agree on, which means that you're going to have to let some things slide, and he's going to have to tighten up a little where he can. Then you have to decide how enforcement is going to happen, but I recommend strongly that each of you backs up the other. If you tell Chauncy that he's grounded from TV for three days, and Dad thinks that's too harsh, it doesn't matter, he *must* back you up and discuss his reservations privately with you.
If he lets something slide, you can privately say "Hey, I thought we agreed..." but in front of the kids, you have to let it slide too.
You need to start, though, with reformulating the rules into something both of you can accept. He's not enforcing because in his heart of hearts he doesn't want to. If the punishments seem to fit the crimes better in his mind, he'll be more willing to do what has to be done.
Vicki
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Family and Divorce Mediation Resources http://xcski.com/~mediator/
kit ...@whitepine.com (Caitriona Mac Fhiodhbhuidhe)
<snipped> Depends on the child. Not every child is going to see/do things this way.
Kitten
"Wendi" wmar...@yahoo.com
Thanks for the ideas.
We talked about this last night and will be going back thru our 'rules' soon - probably this weekend when the kids are at their other parent's. SO says he's behind everything we've set up since he actually had even more input on them than I did - kids are older and has more experience with having to discipline. He did admit that he probably lets things slide a bit. We're going to check each of our mental definitions of what the rules mean to see where we're looking at them differently. We're also going to work on a mild way to tell each other when we think they're slacking without getting into a debate - this could be the hard part. Even when we do disagree, we don't say anything about it in front of the kids. We don't have tons of rules or anything, I hope it doesn't sound like that. We mostly just have the basics - don't lie, don't fight, get your homework done, clean your room, etc.
Wendi ...
janelaw2 ...@aol.com (jane)
Beats me. I have no problems with either my ex, who lives 3000 miles away, or with my DH, who stays out of it. When my SD lived here there was just a tiny hint of tension, but that went away when we split up.
One thing I've noticed, though. We *all* bend the rules when it's convenient for us. A good marriage counselor can help you loads with this kind of thing.
jane
"Merrie" merri...@pacbell.net
DH is the softer of the two of us.
We basically agree on the rules.
Really though, I make more of them and enforce them more than he does.
I don't have an issue with that. We do not, however, volunteer each other for things.
Sometimes, I'll flat out tell a kid, "Boy, did you ever ask the wrong parent, cause my answer is no." Sometimes, I'll tell them to ask their dad.
I understand the trade offs between being consistent with enforcing rules and being flexible.
I prefer to be consistent. He prefers to be flexible and therefore, nagged to insanity by the kids.
Merrie ...
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