Coping?
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sewmas ...@hotmail.com
Yesterday I finally got to the point where I could not seem to force myself to do anything. Life has been pretty difficult since both DDs are off living their lives for the time being.
(I am not used to being an empty nester yet!) DH has become increasingly negative & always was very demanding, I have reached the point where it is a great effort to deal with him kindly for the most part. I know he is dealing with depression, he sees life going by & he is getting older--heading for 50, & it is really bugging him, so he is taking it out on me.
He won't get help at this point.
I have told him to stop this & tried to talk him through some of what is bugging him, but he is obssessed with moving & me returning to work & neither one is going to happen for quite awhile. There's just too much to do first.
To do him justice, he is working on the yard, which he hates with a p***ion. I am willing but limited in ability & cannot work outside in heat.
I have a million tasks screaming to be done & I am all organized to accomplish them & feel more up to it today, but yesterday I didn't do very much, despite the "do one small thing" philosophy.
That has never been enough for me *personally,* though I think in general it is a good philosophy.
Yesterday all I did was put away the clean dishes, run another load, made a crab/fresh mushroom/fresh spinach lowfat quiche for dinner, counsel with my friend who is dying, (made her feel as much better as I could) & read the 'net.
Today I feel a great need to get my front foyer (a sty among sties) cleaned out, naked, BARE. It is incredibly disgusting & I think both of us will feel better if I can present it to him cleaned & bare by tonight.
Thanks for listening.
Sewmaster Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/ Before you buy.
Connie Verbeck jverb...@televar.com
You go girl!!!
I know what you mean about empty nesting, it is the pits at this point!! DD#2 moved out last weekend. It is a good thing for her. And I know in my heart the best thing I can do is have a life of my own, not mope and dwell on the past. It sure *ain't* easy though. I have been extremely busy the past two days helping my SIL declutter, organize, clean her basement. Now it is my turn today. Have promised myself to work until noon on my freezer room. Will be lots of sorting boxes, uh oh, memories again!!! LOL. But will do this in front of the tv, so that should help. It doesn't help that DD#1 and precious DGS were here this past week and left Saturday, too. So the house is doubly quiet.
But I am finding that I do enjoy the quiet, and the ease of maintaining order. So it has two sides.
I am a busy person on individual projects, have several in the works that I am slowly accomplishing in addition to the decluttering/organizing/cleaning I have been doing.
There is a possibility that my husband will get a second job. Right now he works about 6 months of the year at the school as a grounds maintenance person. There is a chance that, if the enrollment is up, he will go to full time. But two major industries closed down and the local economy is shaky at best. I have my fingers crossed as that would mean medical benefits. Last year he also worked at the ski hill for 3 months. The manager of the ski hill (also our next door neighbor) told DH he had just quit. So may get that job. But no benefits that way.
We recently lost our apple orchard, it was hard as we are 3rd generation orchardists. He is taking it very hard, as not being a good steward of the land. At this point he won't open up to me, which can be scary.
But now that we are basically alone, though DS lives just behind us and is a much to frequent guest, I do plan on sitting down with him soon and going nose to nose. Any suggestions on how to go about it. I am reading a book on how to confront. We are in our early 50's and finding new employment can be scary at our age. Especially in a small town of population of 1000. But he did it.
Well, enough blabbing. I am going to the freezer room and see what I can get done today. Do take care of yourself and keep on keeping on.
It is so great of you to attend your friend in her dying. Not everyone can do that. How does the foyer look? If you went to the walls congratulations, if you didn't today is another day. Focus on the peace and joy it will create when done.
Gramma Connie
Viv noot...@home.com
I'm so sorry that you have to deal with DH's problems on top of your own. Good luck on the entryway. I know you've wanted that problem cleared up for a while. What I must say, though, is that no matter how bad things are you always have the greatest dinners! I salivate reading your messages!
Viv
dsg ...@visi.com (Dan Goodman)
Good thoughts heading your way.
Sounds to me like you may be depressed also. Not clinically depressed, but what's called situational depression.
--
Dan Goodman dsg...@visi.com http://www.visi.com/~dsgood/index.html Whatever you wish for me, may you have twice as much.
sewmas ...@hotmail.com
<smile> Thank you! Since DDs are gone I have decided to do more expensive meals more often; we work hard & have tried hard to do our best for our kids. I am very careful of what I feed us, so whatever I feed us needs to be healthy, attractive, etc. I found a sale on fresh crabmeat (Phillips claw, much better quality than some of the other crab claw meat I have found) & already had some fresh spinach & mushrooms & fresh bread.
I sauteed the mushrooms in a tiny amount of real butter, just until they were a light golden, then put in the rest of the veggy, soft bread crumbs & crab, added to that a base of lowfat mayo, eggs & milk & crab seasoning, smoothed it into a c***erole dish & baked at 350 until everything was set.
DH loved it; he had 3rds. :) (His enjoyment of my cooking is one of the positives; worth going after. He is very persnickety about what he eats.) Tonight is "use up the last of the little piece of lean beef roast that needs to be used up + veggies-in-the-same-state" night.
I'll trim off all visible fat, slice paper-thin, stir-fry with fresh onion, celery, red sweet peppers, sliced fresh mushrooms, carrots with teriyaki sauce, served over steamed rice. This will use up all this stuff that needs to be eaten, so no waste. I am getting used to cooking for 2 & trying hard not to waste food.
Thanks for your kind words! :) Sewmaster Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/ Before you buy.
sewmas ...@hotmail.com
Sounds like you have quite a load to carry. It is very true that employment options get pretty limited after a certain age here in the US, unless one has certain skills. (I don't have those skills & am pretty limited as to what I could find for employment, by age, size, disability & skills. That is pretty depressing when I really think about it.) I also live in a huge metro area which would provide a lot more opportunities too. I am not ready to pursue job-hunting because of my physical limitations; if I do house, I can't work at an outside job. If I do job, the house will sit here & rot. I don't have strength enough for both.
How did you lose your orchard? Was it financial, or diseased trees, what? I can certainly see a very large stressload from all the big problems you have to deal with; decluttering & empty-nest stuff would make it harder.
You really helped me feel better by your post, though I wish I could take your troubles away. It helps to know I'm not the only one dealing with a lot of this stuff.
I don't know what to tell you about getting him to open up--
everytime I get DH to open up a little he is full of anger at life & me in particular because I am not a copy of himself; my goals & preferences in life are quite different from his & he wants me to be just like him. I wouldn't be him if I were paid well for it.
He has no real friends but me, is lonely because he won't let people in, thinks everything needs to be his way. I don't allow that, when it is inappropriate & he of course wants me to change, which I am not going to as long as the course I am following is right with my conscience.
The foyer is in progress & I am going right back to it after lunch.
Thank you for asking. You gave me my first smile of the day.
Hand in there, Connie, let's hang in there together.
Sewmaster Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/ Before you buy.
"Constance S Marshall" constance.marsh...@gte.net
There's a book called "I Don't Want to Talk About It," dealing with men and depression which has some good ideas for helping them to open up. Also John Gottman's books about couples: based on actual research. ConnieM ...
C. Jones drcjo...@earthlink.net
Cannot decide what to snip, so I am letting it be. My heart goes out to you. My spouse is negative, too. And quite judgemental, I might add. My warm feelings toward him have been eroded over the years, and I sometimes I wonder why I am still here. I will keep you in my prayers, because I hope the warm feelings you have expressed toward him in previous posts are never eroded the way mine have been.
I still miss my youngest daughter, even though she has been away from home for 5 1/2 years. The first 3 years of college, she still was home a lot, but contact has dwindled over the recent years - she has a serious relationship and a busy job.
I, too, admire you for all you do, and I truly do not see how you get so much done. Much of that would be lost if you worked outside the home. Even though I like my job, I am too tired when I come home to cook and do other domestic things - all things I used to love doing. I have no option. Since I am the breadwinner, I have to work to survive.
Re-reading what I have written, I see that it sounds rather bleak. But I really don't see my life that way. I have good firends, a truly rewarding career, and many interests.
Sewmaster - all the best to you. You deserve it.
Carolyn
"Seraph" ser...@sprintmail.com
Just wanted to comment on all of the supportive comment's to "Sewmaster's" post. What a great group! I imagine all of us on this newsgroup feel like we know you, "Sewmaster". Consider this a group {{hug}} Debbie
ma ...@amy.mv.com.REMOVESPAM (Mary MacKenzie)
Ok here are more HUGS HUGS HUGS Mary In article <8pqtf5$1h...@nnrp1.deja.com>, sewmas...@hotmail.com says...
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